I’m not buying this whole “Recession” bullshit.

feat. guest blogger : vulcan.x

Alrighty. It’s been nearly half a year since I guest blogged here. How time flies eh. I might not be as awesome as gapnap, but yeah I’m still super awesome, so for those of you who missed me, here I am once again 

Be forewarned. A long rant lies ahead. Generously laced with multiple helpings of sarcasm & sour grapes. If your opinion of me takes a turn for the worse after reading this, I could seriously give a fuck, I just got back from a big bad automobile mishap which involved a “Phark Cheow” driver.

Click here for source. Highly recommended read.

Yup, the way he was driving, he might as well have traded eyeballs with Cookie Monster over here. Actually, he might even have been Phark-ing his own god damn Cheow while attempting to operate a full-sized vehicle capable of speeds of up to 200km/h. Don’t you just love double entendres? Heh heh heh

Thanks to this oh-so-extremely-fucking-welcome turn of events, I now find myself confined to the comforts of my home for the next few weeks while some sweaty, overworked, underpaid immigrant mechanic attends to my ride. Which got me thinking. No car, how to meet/COD with customers? Which got me thinking again… WHAT customers?

You heard me spot on. NO customers, that’s what.

“Wah…. vulcan.x NO customers? WHY??!”

Thanks for asking me the one-million-dollar question. I really needed an excuse to begin ranting. You are so smart and awesome. Perhaps we can go out for a drink sometime. Provided you aren’t Phark Cheow of course. Or I would be too uncomfortable to partake in a cold, refreshing beverage with you.

So are we ready to find out the answer to our one-million-dollar question? Like most good questions, the answer takes the form of only one word. A singular word often used in isolation and powerful enough to make your skin tingle while simultaneously sending shivers down your spine. Cue fucking irritating eerie background music.

Recession.

Actually I gave the answer away in the title of this extremely absorbing blog post. If you were too stupid to figure it out, I revoke my invitation of a drink together. Sorry but I refuse to associate with stupid people. Unlike you, I was born with some semblance of a brain, I think hope.

Back to the topic at hand. So, the current economic downturn somehow translates to a lack of customers for me. Actually “lack” is putting it too mildly. Try “huge fucking gaping void” on for size. Yup, that sounds about right. Lets summarize the situation into a few simple equations, like how your chemistry teacher taught you in high school. Now don’t you wish you paid more attention during lessons instead of staring at her well-rounded ass?? Anyway it’s a basic 3-stage cascading reaction which should be easily understood by just about anybody that doesn’t have the intelligence of a chipmunk (at least they can remember where they keep their frikkin’ nuts).

Fig. 1 - The effect of an economic recession on author

Now you can understand the enormity and direness of the situation. Good for you. But have you ever stopped to wonder how on earth Part I of the above chain reaction can occur…? Actually I don’t care if you wonder or not. I’m going to continue typing anyway. Tak suka baca, boleh belah. Hah.

Ladies and germs, it all boils down to this mindset/mentality I like to label “No Thought Is Too Simple” (NOTITS). People bearing the NOTITS mentality come from all walks of life. Chances are that you will have some NOTITS buddies. Heck, you might even be NOTITS yourself. If that’s the case, you have my utmost and deepest sympathy.

So what does being NOTITS entail? How do people with NOTITS cause businesses to lose money? How can NOTITS be cured? To answer all these questions, you first need to know how NOTITS works. NOTITS people only start presenting symptoms in adverse economic or financial conditions. It is unlikely you will discover that somebody has NOTITS when times are good. I have taken the liberty to illustrate this below.

Fig. 2 - Cash flow diagram for (a) a prudent individual, and (b) a not-so-prudent individual

Observe what happens when the good times go and the bad times show. NOTITS sufferers start to… change. Sort of like a werewolf under the full moon.

Fig. 3 - Recession cash flow diagram for (a) a prudent individual who develops NOTITS, and (b) a not-so-prudent individual who develops NOTITS

See where all the money ends up? Now do you understand why Fig. 1 Part I happens?

I had the displeasure of talking to somebody with NOTITS just the other day. I asked him this simple question: “Why the sudden need to hoard money away?”

“Recession. Scared lah.”

There you go. Super fucking genius. Albert Einstein himself would not have been able to come up with a better answer. No Thought Is Too Simple for these people indeed.

vulcan.x out. Love you guys as always.